Texas Chainsaw

TAKE 1: One Man’s Opinion

…because film is largely subjective

 

by Frederick William Springer III

 

Texas Chainsaw

Release Date:  4 January 2013                                                                       Runtime:  92 Minutes     

Review Date:  26 February 2013                                                                     Rating:  2.5 (of 6)

     I guess I should preface this by saying I know that there are diehard lovers of the original film.  I am not among them.  The best thing about that film to me was John Larroquette’s narration.  I wasn’t too impressed with the sequels as I remember—the 4^th was atrocious (though I think I enjoyed the 2^nd upon first watching but on subsequent viewings it no longer held whatever charm it had initially).

     That being said, nothing irks me more than the pompous pretention of people making a new film in a series, inserting it somewhere in the timeline and deciding to ignore all the ones that transpired afterwards or in between.  This was done with Halloween: H20 which ignored everything after the first 2 Halloween movies (H20 was the 7^th entry) and with Superman Returns, likewise, taking up after the 2^nd film in that franchise (of which there were 4), discounting the others.  I can’t understand the logic as you’re immediately alienating that very fanbase you wish to court.

     Texas Chainsaw is supposed to take place after the original film, not only ignoring the 3 sequels but totally disregarding the reboot of the series just 8 years ago as well.  So, this new one is supposed to take place minutes after the original film’s conclusion, of which they show a bunch of clips, and then it cuts into this new film and it’s not supposed to be jarring that there are new people playing the roles that don’t look like those playing them several seconds earlier.

     That aside, they show a clip in Leatherface’s (known here as Jed) house where there’s only like 4 family members present—I don’t remember the exact number from the original, but that seems about right—but all of a sudden now, they cut to their opening of the film with new footage and there’s magically at least 8 in the house and we’re supposed to believe that. 

     Unfortunately, if you turn a blind eye to these transgressions and approach this as a totally new flick, even then, it’s not that good of a film.  I apologize now as the sheer amount of problems presented in this movie makes my take on it seem like a rambling mess as I try to filter it through my mind, so buckle up or get off now.

     The original was released in 1974 and then this film establishes, after the intro flashback to the original, that we’re in 2012 per a headstone.   You’re talking 38 years later.  However…well, I guess I should dive into the plot first:  moments after the original film, Leatherface and his entire family are supposedly massacred by the town hillbillies, except for a baby later renamed Heather, who we can make believe was just a day old for sake of math.  Subsequently, now present day, her Grandma’s (that was apparently dissociated from the family as she wasn’t in the house) estate finds Heather and leaves her everything. 

     So let’s assume the massacre happened when Heather was a day old in 1974.  It’s now present day so she should be 38 years old.  There’s no way this character looks anywhere near 38 and in fact the actress that plays her (Alexandria Daddario) was only 25 at the time of filming.  It would also mean that the hillbillies that massacred the family, let’s assume for all intents and purposes here, that they were all freshly minted 18-year-old adults—a lot of them were a lot older, but there may have been some that were 18, just for math again—it’s 38 years later, so they should all be 56.  Maybe you can buy 1 of these actors being 56 but that’s a stretch and, remember, that should be the youngest among them.  So again things don’t jive.  These are the MAJOR plot holes plus I’m sure it wasn’t a legal adoption by any means when baby Heather was stolen and taken in, so how she was tracked down by grandma’s estate later is flimsy, though they do credibly explain it but I still don’t very much buy it.

     And then you have the fact that Heather inherits this estate and she’s going there with her friends.  On her way, they pick up this hitchhiker, complete stranger they don’t know, but once they get to the estate, go inside, relatively quickly determine they need to go shopping for dinner, she decides to leave this complete stranger who they have no idea who he is ALONE at the estate when she hasn’t even taken stock of the valuables in the house yet.  Like, what kind of thinking is this?  I mean, unless you’re trying to show that this character is about as slow as her retarded Chainsaw Massacre cousin, it makes absolutely no sense.

     And also, after this bomb was dropped on Heather—she didn’t know she was adopted, she wants answers—she gets this estate and the guy in charge of the estate says, “here’s a letter from your grandma, I’m sure she explains everything, read it,” but instead—I don’t know about you, if this kind of bombshell was dropped on me, that would be the first thing I do, I’d read the fucking letter—she just puts it aside and goes about her business.  So, again, are you trying to establish this character as mentally fucking slow as her retarded chainsaw wielding cousin?  It makes no sense as nothing about the character prior or after makes you think she’s unintelligent or some go-with-the-flow, no-cares hippy. 

     Then, other than that, there are the little things, of which there are many.  I’m always astounded by abandoned properties that have been deserted for decades and decades (for perspective, long before 1974 in this case) and yet still have electricity.  Uh, that doesn’t seem realistic to me, the electric company tends to shut off power when bills aren’t being paid.  And I guess one can argue that, after all these years, perhaps the meat packing factory was still in the family, grandma still paying the bills and kept the power running, but that’s a stretch and kind of asinine.

     Also, if Jed was locked in the basement when his caretaker died, how'd he survive with no food from the time between grandma’s death and cousin Heather’s arrival?  And if Heather had opted not to help, why was grandma okay with Jed starving to death, alone and forgotten, in the basement?

     When an officer is exploring the estate where something macabre has obviously happened, blood everywhere, sharing the walk-through live with his superior and the mayor via cell phone video, why didn’t anyone call for or send back up?

     Also, the mayor's son (which was supposed to be a surprise reveal but was obvious from his first appearance with the mayor early on) would be seeking vengeance so it’s unrealistic that by the end scene after the end credits, transpiring sometime after the events of the picture, he still hasn’t.  Or is this the set up for a sequel?  It seems quite sorry that Clint Eastwood’s son had to resort to appearing in this film.

     And then, furthermore, just to knit-pick now because the rest was so ridiculous, Heather’s blouse gets pulled open—one can assume the buttons were broken off but we’ll ignore that part—she just escapes being tied up, running away, trying to get the ropes off of her hands, her life still in danger but somewhere along the line (offscreen) she happens to find the time to button her blouse back up.  That doesn’t seem too realistic.

     Now, after the bombshell and tragedies going on all around her, I can see Heather going a little loony, but even so her biological family was kind of fucked up and probably deserved to die anyway, most if not all shown as murderers, kidnappers and accomplices in the original, so the fact that she decides she’s now going to be the caretaker of the Chainsaw Massacre just seems kind of, again, stretching the realms of realism.  Especially since, hello, he’s the one who just killed ALL of your friends!  And savaged YOU TOO, until he realized you were a relative.

     I’m also left wondering where this grandma came from, that she had so much money when it seemed like the rest of the family did not.  This also totally obliterates the original sequels as there were family members that were alive and well and even in the same house if memory serves (I may be mistaken regarding the latter). 

     The only silver lining: If you ever wondered about seeing a little more of Alex Roussea from Lost, there are a couple nice (albeit totally and blatantly gratuitous—as in, almost uncomfortably, cringe worthy even to a full-blooded male with hormones coursing through his veins) tracking shots of her ass.  However, clothed.  Surprising a film such as this has absolutely no nudity.  Haha.

     But ultimately my review is negative.  I know they were pushing it as a 3D movie, I only saw it in 2D, but I highly doubt that makes the difference.  I really want to give it a 2, but if you’re a horror person I can see giving it a 3, something you might like to give a chance for yourself being that it’s part of an established franchise, so we’ll reconcile with a mid-ground 2.5.

Dirty Harry Collection

Retro

TAKE 1: One Man’s Opinion

…because film is largely subjective

by Frederick William Springer III

 

 

Dirty Harry Collection

Release Date:  16 February 2010                                                             Runtime:  -        

Review Date:  4 February 2013                                                                Series Rating:  4 (of 6)

     After I had my first Rocky experience, I then immersed myself in the world of Harry Callahan for the first time.

     To me, the first Dirty Harry is the best.  I liked the day-in-the-life-of-a-cop feel following Harry (Clint Eastwood) around.  And the bad guy, the Scorpio Killer played by Andrew Robinson was different, sufficiently deranged.  Magnum Force was slower paced (a little too slow for my taste) and the ultimate villain was predictable, but still a decent flick.  The play between Harry and his new partner Kate (Tyne Daly) was a fun addition to The Enforcer, my 2^nd favorite in the series.  Sudden Impact follows, an interesting storyline.  And the series wraps up with The Dead Pool, wherein I was surprised to see Jim Carey and Liam Neeson (pleasantly surprised in the case of the latter).

     The only gripe I had with the series was it never seemed to keep track of who Harry’s boss was.  In one installment it would be one person (Lt. Bressler), that person absent in the next film but suddenly back in another but then gone for the rest.  Then, to make things more confusing, one actor played a superior Captain in two films but had a different name each time.  Adding another level of confusion, in the fourth film, that particular Captain has the same name as the Lieutenant that was killed in the second film.

     Likewise, Albert Popwell had different roles in the first 4 films.  The first two were very brief bit-parts that I admit, even watching them back to back, I hadn’t made the connection, not even when I saw him in the 3^rd film.  However, in the 3^rd and 4^th films he has substantially larger roles so when he first appears in Sudden Impact I thought he was reprising his role from The Enforcer only to quickly learn that he was a new character—a cop, rather than on the other side of the law as he was previously.

     Also, I think it was in the 3^rd film, Harry started to use a new catchword—“marvelous” ad nauseam when he hadn’t used it at all (to my recollection) in the previous 2.  Likewise, in the next installment another catchword was introduced, though, thankfully not as oft repeated.

     Those aside, which were relatively minor factors in the scheme of things, I enjoyed my introduction to Dirty Harry.

     My ratings are as follows:

Dirty Harry (5)

Magnum Force (3.5)

The Enforcer (4)

Sudden Impact (3.5)

The Dead Pool (4)

Taking the average leaves us with a 4 for the series.

Rocky: The Undisputed Collection

Retro

TAKE 1: One Man’s Opinion

…because film is largely subjective

 

by Frederick William Springer III

 

Rocky: The Undisputed Collection

Release Date:  3 November 2009                                                                    Runtime:  -        

Review Date:  4 February 2013                                                                       Series Rating:  3.3 (of 6)

     Last week, I watched the Rocky movies for the first time, christening my new home theater.  Originally, I had no intention of doing a write up but have decided to do so, more for me to look back upon than anything else, if I want a refresher course for talking points.

    I should begin by saying I’m not into boxing.  I don’t get the concept of a civil society condoning beating the shit out of somebody and calling it “sport”.  That being said, I think it’s poignant then to point out that the films made a non-boxing fan root for Rocky (Sylvester Stallone) to win the matches he was partaking in, so the stories had substance enough to make them compelling.

     However, the series had it low points, particularly in IV and Rocky Balboa.  First, right off the bat in IV—a robot?  Really?  Then the whole story with Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers) didn’t ring true.  In just the previous installment, he had been riding Rocky that Rocky needed intense training to beat opponent Clobber Lang (Mr.T).  But here, Apollo decides on a whim that he’s going to come out of a 5-year retirement with no training to take on Drago (Dolph Lundgren), someone who makes Lang look wimpy in comparison.  When Rocky originally took on Lang he wasn’t coming out of retirement, he had been continuously fighting (though, less challenging contenders) up to that point.  Furthermore, IV was montage after montage.  The only good point, which is really irrelevant to the movie itself, was seeing that Brigitte Nielsen was actually attractive in her day.  Only knowing her from The Surreal Life and Flavor Flav’s flavor of the month, I only knew her as aged and withered.

     I found Rocky Balboa a sad final attempt to milk the franchise.  For one, it just dragged.  Some of the others were slowly paced as well, but in those cases the heart was present.  Here, we find that the heart—Adrian!--has been dead for many years and, so, isn’t included in this film.  I get that it was supposed to be a factor that propels the plot, but it just putters and stalls out.  It would have been to better effect if the first act, or at least a part of it, involved building up to the loss and the effects afterward.

     Also, Rocky starts to persistently pursue, non-romantically, the character Marie who had a brief appearance in the first film.  And the audience is just left wondering, why?  There doesn’t seem to be any real reason.

    The series, as a whole, is also plagued with really irritating plot holes.  In the second film, we’re told Rocky has a serious problem with his eye making it very dangerous for him to box, that he shouldn’t be at all.  A big deal is made about avoiding being hit on the left side of his face and that this rematch with Apollo would be his last fight.  Yet, in III, we learn he’s continued fighting between the two films with no mention ever again about this eye problem.

Likewise, in the beginning of III, he was going to announce his retirement and decided to take one last fight with Lang and then the subsequent rematch to which he was retiring afterwards.  But then, again, in IV, we learn he still has never retired, just kept going.  He does finally retire in the beginning of V due to brain damage and not being able to pass a medical exam but then in Rocky Balboa he is suddenly physically fit to fight again?  (I have read that a credible explanation was originally intended to be part of the film but was cut—it shouldn’t have been.)

     My personal favorites were III followed by V, the latter which I found to be more realistic, especially compared to the installments directly before and after. 

     Conferring with someone else familiar with the series once I finished, we found each other at odds.  His favorites were the two I liked least, and he hated V.  Though, I guess he’s in good company as Sylvester Stallone himself said his least favorite was V as well.

     I must give Stallone a lot of credit, though.  Not only did he star as Rocky but he also wrote all of them and directed all but the first.

My ratings are as follows:

Rocky (3)

Rocky II (4)

Rocky III (5)

Rocky IV (2)

Rocky V (4)

Rocky Balboa (2)

Taking the average leaves us with a 3.33 for the series.

Flight

TAKE 1: One Man’s Opinion

…because film is largely subjective

 

by Frederick William Springer III

 

Flight

Release Date:  4 November 2012                                                         Runtime:  138 Minutes              

Review Date:  22 January 2013                                                             Rating:  5 (of 6)

     Most things Denzel Washington touches turn out good and Flight is no exception.  The story was solid, as were the performances.  The trailer I had seen beforehand was a little misleading in that I thought it was to be a movie wherein the authorities are trying to make Washington’s character Whip Whitaker a scapegoat for the accident, suggesting the crash was due to his drinking, in my mind it seeming like this wasn’t the case at all and that he had to prove them wrong.  But in the movie you know right away that Whip is a user and an abuser.

     And, an old pervert like me has to say it had the best opening ever!  More movies should follow suit.  For anyone that ever wanted to see a little more of Catalina (Nadine Velazquez) on My Name Is Earl, you get quite the eyeful here.  Enjoy!

Hotel Transylvania

TAKE 1: One Man’s Opinion

…because film is largely subjective

by Frederick William Springer III

 

Hotel Transylvania

Release Date:  28 September 2012                                                      Runtime:  91 Minutes              

Review Date:  6 January 2013                                                              Rating:  2.5 (of 6)

 

     Hotel Transylvania?  More like “Hotel Transyl-Big-Pile-Of-Shit.”  Traditionally, movies have a hook in the first couple of minutes to “hook” you into wanting to sit through the rest of the film.  Had I been watching at home rather than the theater, I would have shut it off in that time.  Right from the start, they begin with cheesy jokes that aren’t funny whatsoever, unless maybe if you’re a 2-year-old (though I shouldn’t insult a 2-year-old’s intelligence), particularly starting with a lame reworking of a nursery rhyme.

     Pulling you right out of the story from the get-go, Dracula sounds like Adam Sandler with a Transylvanian accent.  I didn’t know what misguided casting that was--why would anyone want to sound like Adam Sandler doing a Transylvanian accent?  But then, low and behold, when the credits roll we see it actually was Adam Sandler (who also Executive Produced).  Adam Sandler as Dracula does not work on any level other than horrific, which is something you would normally aim for in a Halloween movie, but not in this manner.

     Furthermore, the plot to the movie is all screwed up.  The hotel is supposed to be a sanctuary for monsters, where they can escape their normal lives, particularly the main characters coming for Dracula’s daughter Mavis’s annual birthday party.  The monsters don’t live at the hotel, they’re visiting, yet somehow they are all oblivious as to how modern humans act in present day.  Are they literally living under some rock when not at the hotel?  Their cluelessness would be understandable if they all lived at the hotel year round, but that isn’t the case.

     The number of times I laughed during this movie: 0.  The amount I cracked a smile: 1.  The only thing I did find amusing was that the end credits have a traditional 2D animated sequence.  But that’s just me, a personal thing, I happen to like when movies have animated credit sequences.

     I would not recommend this movie to anyone—not to horror fans, not to comedy fans and not to kids.  As I said, maybe it’ll get a few laughs from kids but, as Pixar has repeatedly demonstrated, it is possible to make computer animated films that are enjoyable to children and adults alike.  Save your time and money on this one.  And do yourself a favor—tear out your eyeballs before ever contemplating seeing the sequel currently slated for 2015.

Seven Psychopaths

TAKE 1: One Man’s Opinion

…because film is largely subjective

 

by Frederick William Springer III

Seven Psychopaths

Release Date:  12 October 2012                                                           Runtime:  110 Minutes              

Review Date:  1 January 2013                                                               Rating:  4.5 (of 6)

     A dark comedy which I don’t see going mainstream, Seven Psychopaths was an enjoyable viewing experience.  Sam Rockwell’s character is amusing to watch and so is the quirkiness of Christopher Walken’s Hans.  Throw in Colin Farrell and Woody Harrelson for equal measure and you’ve got a fun film for those with a dark sense of humor. 

I do believe that casting had a lot to do with the magic of this flick as, in the wrong hands, the material could have fallen flat.  On that note, I also have to acknowledge the material itself, which was brilliantly crafted, written and directed by Martin McDonagh.  I definitely will be looking forward to his next project and will be looking back at his past.

Skyfall

TAKE 1: One Man’s Opinion

…because film is largely subjective

 

by Frederick William Springer III

Skyfall

Release Date:   9 November 2012                                                     Runtime:   143 Minutes              

Review Date:  12 December 2012                                                      Rating:  5 (of 6)

While many are heralding Skyfall as the best Bond ever, I’m left wondering if they’ve seen Casino Royale.  While it’s a good installment to be sure, I’d say the poorly received Quantum of Solace even edges it out.

Quantum of Solace was slower paced and perhaps had less action than its predecessor (which I think is part of the reason the audience didn’t take to it), but Skyfall is painfully sluggish—you’re 80 minutes in before you even meet the villain.  Keep in mind, some movies are only 80 minutes long!  Yet, here you’ve practically watched an entire film and still don’t know who the antagonist is and, in his absence, the antagonizing wasn’t as strong as it should have been.

Once Raoul Silva (Javier Bardem) is introduced, things do get more interesting, he being a formable opponent that’s fun to watch, and the pace then does pick up for the remaining 63 minutes.  If the movie had just been edited to start in the second half, then I might have jumped on the second coming band wagon but with the first half intact it has a lot to make up for.

The only personally clear cut thing that Skyfall did better than Quantum of Solace was their title sequence.  Skyfall probably also does slightly more character developing, but barely a noticeable difference on this front, and adding shades of Home Alone at that.  And on that note, if all that was saved from an estate sale was one rifle, would they really have had kept as much ammo around that was accessible?

*SPOILER ALERT*  What Skyfall does do is introduced 007 mainstays that have since been absent from the rebooted series.  Both are reinvented and refreshingly so.  Kudos!  Unfortunately, while filming, I had read they were casting the parts and it would have been more fun not knowing their involvement and being surprised when they appeared.  In fact, one is particularly molded to be a surprise but those casting notices mentioned the big difference from the old and I was able to pick the character out immediately.  Not to say it wasn’t still enjoyable, just not the big surprise they were building up to for viewers of the original series.  Actually, I don’t know why I’m talking in code because any 007 fans of the originals know exactly what 2 characters have been thus left out and will have figured out who I’m talking about by now (hence my spoiler alert).

One thing that did disappoint me was realizing they weren’t exploring an opportunity I momentarily thought they were.  In the You Only Live Twice novel, Bond had gotten amnesia and recouped, shacked up with a native, far away from the UK, everyone he knew thinking him dead.  I was excited to think they were incorporating this into the new series, only to find out that here Bond was only merely brooding before returning to work.